Thursday, May 01, 2008

Joy. Purity. Light.

These are the things I've realized I've been dyyyyyying to put my focus on. Lately I've been immersing myself in a lot of negative stuff and I'm realizing it's been really weighing on my soul. Earlier today I came home from work and immediately started watching Intervention on my computer (I'm not kidding about this fixation), and realized I was starting to just feel sick about the content of the show. There's only so much darkness, negativity, desperation and despair I can focus on when I continually watch this very real documentary about addiction. At first I found the show completely mesmerizing... on quick inspection my world is so far from the lives of those the show focuses on.... and yet, as I look closer I'm beginning to see how scarily similar my life can be to those of the addicts.

I think we all face addiction. It comes in many forms... dieting, shopping, sex, reading, TV, certain toxic people we come in contact with, exercise, food, the internet. Certainly there is also the "darker" world of drug and alcohol abuse which we more commonly think of when we hear the word addiction.

I think I have an addictive personality. I seem to seek forms of escapism in my every day behaviour, almost by default, and I'm not sure why. All I know is that I always have to be very careful in my day-to-day life in the choices I make.

I think this darkness in me is what had me so drawn to Intervention. I actually really identified with the darkness in those people's lives, and I think I was trying to cause that truth in me to rise to the surface so I could look it in the face. Upon realizing it, I have had to confront the darkness of it, and I am all of a sudden repulsed by addiction.

Earlier this afternoon I watched a short clip on Youtube of some young teenage guys at some sort of party. The boys were young, like maybe only 13 or 14, and the party appeared to be some sort of 'pill party'. The video consisted of a short clip of a boy completely out of his mind stoned on some varied mix of prescription pills. The look on his face was so vacant, so shocked... like nothing I've ever seen. He stood in one spot, staring at the camera with his mouth gaping open at the people around him with what looked like stark fear and confusion. Everyone around him was laughing hysterically at him in his condition. I was left feeling a deep sense of horror I couldn't erase from my mind and I still feel sick when I think about the video.

I have witnessed this potential fall into a bottomless pit of addiction in my own life, and I am now running as fast as I can away from it. I think God was showing me something really important... and I have learned my lesson. I can feel Him pulling me into His arms again, breathing life into me and assuring me that yet again, everything is going to be okay. There is still purity and hope, and I can always, always find it in Him, no matter what.

He is safe.


Erica 10:24 AM  

I enjoyed this post. God is safe. He hides our souls in the cleft of the rock, and covers it with love.

It's amazing how gently He shows us our flaws, and guides us into a walk of purity, without shame and embarrassment. He took the shame and the embarrassment himself so we wouldn't have to.
I will be praying that He will guide you and show you His will in this situation.
I'm glad you commented on my blog. There's a reason for everything, right?
Erica Martin

Annie 12:04 PM  

Thanks for your comment. It's amazing how God always comes back to remind us the "small" important truths, again and again, no matter how many times it takes. And you're so right, I can tell it's him because I don't feel stupid or ashamed, I just feel safe :) Thanks so much for praying! I love connecting with people through blogs!

Anonymous 8:27 PM  

Very introspective Annie.

I think everyone needs faith in something ... whatever that something is.

Dorothea 8:57 AM  

Oh wow for sure, God IS safe.
And yeah the way you said it, when He is the one showing us about ourselves He doesn't throw stupidity in our faces. He shows us love.
I am so glad that He showed you what you needed to see and He didn't let you fall deeper in the addiction. It's true it doesn't have to be alcohol or drugs or anything like that. It can just be a state of mind that totally screws up the way you see the world and stops you from functioning properly.
God bless you!